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Against She! [12 May 2012|04:00am] [ mood | happy ] Recently, Tom Gabel, frontman of Against Me! and one of my biggest influences to my songwriting, came out as transgender and will begin living his life as he's always felt he should: as a woman. Taking the name his mother would've called him, her new name is Laura Jane Grace I don't think I have to tell you how shocked I was the hear the news. I had absolutely no idea (even though listening again to the lyrics to some of the songs, it's pretty direct, but nobody else believed them at the time, so I don't feel so dumb). I didn't know how I felt. Against Me! had always been this "masculine" punk band: loud, fast, angry as fuck. All of a sudden, I find out that those songs were written from the perspective of a woman? I didn't know what to think. The other day, I listened to all of Against Me!'s discography, almost expecting to hear some kind of noticeable change in how I feel, and you know what? I didn't. The references to women's clothes in "Searching For A Former Clarity" and the name Laura in "Ocean" still have the same initial meaning I took from them when I first heard them, and at the same time they've been made clearer in a whole new way. I read the article in Rolling Stone when she talks about dealing with Transgender Dysphoria and her new lease on life now that everything's out in the open. After really taking in that news, I am really proud of her. There are moments in my life when I have felt a vicarious joy in the actions of others during the course of their pursuit of happiness. I remember when Yanette was telling me about Brad and moving to Oregon and starting life, and I remember feeling that nervousness and happiness emanate from her and making me happy for her, filling me to the point that I literally felt like something that awesome was happening to me (now that she is a mother, I feel even more happy for her!). Once I read the article, I could tell the new feeling of comfort and joy that Laura is experiencing now that she can finally be herself. It's really inspiring to me that someone would damn everything and everyone else's conceptions to find their own happiness in life. It gives me hope that there are still things that can be done, that it's never too late, and that hope can never be truly lost if you don't let it. I feel very happy for Laura Jane Grace, and commend her for not only taking this journey, but bursting out into it in such a public way after a whole life of hiding and shame. There is absolutely nothing shameful about making yourself happy and being true to who you really are. If anything, I love Against Me! even more because of how truthful everything is. Laura is now inspirational and influential to me because she's reaffirmed what I've always felt about music and life: it's yours, and you should do what you want with it. You should live for your happiness, so long as you are not hindering other people's happiness. I've decided to go to New York with Laura (Barrera, lol) to pursue my happiness, and our life together. Tom Gabel decided to become Laura Jane Grace to pursue hers, and that's punk as fuck. :Peace Love Unity: And there's a joy, a joy in all I can see, a joy in every possibility - Against Me! Make a Martyr out of Me?

Good Traits/Bad Traits [25 Mar 2012|08:13pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] I've wanted to do a self-analyzation for a while now. I am going to try to be completely honest and transparent about my good and bad traits, so here I go (in no particular order). Good Traits I cherish love above all else. I am very loyal to those who I consider my friends. If I become really close to someone, I am with them through thick and thin. I will more likely forgive someone if they apologized for doing me wrong and sincerely meant it. I uncompromisingly believe in human rights. I treat everyone equally and give them the benefit of the doubt until something happens that cancels it out. I don't cheat in my relationships. I don't have sex unless I am in love. I respect and understand everyone's personal beliefs. I get a genuine sense of worth when I help someone. I am creative, love the arts, and supportive of all artists. I stay informed on important issues and enjoy discussing opposing viewpoints. I read (novels, comics, etc.) voraciously. I like making people happy and laugh. I readily admit when I am wrong. I try to be there and reliable to people that need me. I strive towards peace. Bad Traits I tend to be on the lazier side of things. I don't keep up with my hygiene as much as I should. I am financially irresponsible. I knowingly consume food that is bad for me on a regular basis. I smoke pot and when I really want to, I will find ways through circumstances and situations in order to do it. I know how to be manipulative. I am very picky about my food, to the point that I won't eat. I am a bit OCD about my possessions. I am less likely to fulfill responsiblities the more I am bothered to do it. I am immediately distrustful of anyone in an authority position, even when I have no evidence to back up that distrust. I tend to take things personally. I worry about things needlessly. I am my harshest critic. I tend to blame myself when things go wrong in a relationship. I am terrified of adulthood. I'm not entirely sure how I can pride myself in my friendliness and loyalty and still have intense bouts of self-loathing. In the end that's all part of being a human being, I suppose. :Peace Love Unity: How can I blame you, when it's me I can't forgive? - Metallica Make a Martyr out of Me?

August Can't Come Any Sooner [19 Mar 2012|03:48am] [ mood | in love ] So, Laura and I have decided to postpone our move to New York a few months from June to August. The point is so we can save up more money, and I reluctantly agreed, after some thought and persuasion. Though it's a few months away, I am eagerly awaiting our departure as things in Miami continue to grow stagnant. I spend most of my days either working at Hallandale (where I am presently doing the night shift, with an air conditioner that shuts off at 9:00pm and rotting, smelly plants sitting atop the corners of the front desk), or at home, alone. Laura's been in Colombia for two weeks and I've been keeping myself busy by hanging out with friends I've blown off or otherwise haven't seen in a while. It's been cool to see old friends, but Laura comes back on Tuesday and I've been counting the days. It's only been two weeks, but I've missed her like crazy. It's taken me by surprise sometimes. I do the same thing, day in and day out. When I switch it up every once in a while, it's nice, but things quickly slip back to the same old. It's my age-old battle with the safety and monotony of routine. Do we need all the time and money to prepare for NY? Absolutely. If we weren't taking this extra time, we'd be going in not quite blind, but definitely less prepared, which would ultimately lead to failure, which I have also said is not an option. Everyone keeps reminding me that if things don't work out, I can always come back to Miami, except I can't. I don't want to. It's more than just boredom and anxiety, just as New York is more than a "why not?". Miami holds nothing for me anymore. Once the house gets sold, my physical link here is gone, and I've reached the point where I know something's gonna die and I'll be desensitized until the last breath. It's gonna hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest when I leave, but once Laura and I get on that plane, the shakes of excitement will grab hold as I take the reins of my life for truly the first time. I can't do it alone, which is where Laura comes in. She balances, she compliments, she plans, and she's perfect in every way she's not. She knows (has surely seen) my faults, and still stays. Not only stays, but keeps me close and wanting to be closer. She has faults as well, but where she ends, I begin and everything starts to make sense, little by little. Miami frustrates me, and Laura's a line I hold onto to keep me afloat. How many times have I gushed over a girl, believed she was different, for it to fail for whatever reason and be buried, marked by sad songs both listened to and written, and countless whiny LJ entries? I can come up with a figure, but I won't. There's no need to. Laura and New York. Life and Love. This is all I need. A marriage between what I most desire and what I pine for. Something to believe in, a place to go, and meaning to my life. Laura has everything I want in myself, and she makes me want to do my best. On Tuesday, I'll see that face again. When we walk out the door together, it's like the whole world's been laid out for us. I want to get married, start a family, be a good father and husband. I'm only 23, but I don't want to live for what I should be living for right now. You can keep your extended, fading, alcohol-fueled teenage assumptions. I don't want it. I never did. I've never been one to "mess around". I've always been more loyal to lovers and friends than my contemporaries. I know what I want. Laura. New York. I want to make all the lights shine for her. If God can grant me any selfish wish, it would be to live and love in the city and woman I love so much. Please, please, please, give me this and I won't want for anything again. My God, I am in love. It's a love that flies high, dwells deep. I feel it in my breath, in my veins, in my bones, in my ever tired feet. A love that knows no bounds, a love that burns cities. :Peace Love Unity: If there's blood on the rose, then there's blood on the branches - The Chariot Make a Martyr out of Me?

Finally, A Real Update [18 Jan 2012|12:35am] [ mood | tired ] So, it's been a while since I've just gotten on LJ and actually write down what's going on. All the little things that don't get noticed as much are starting to return, now that the big things happening are starting to settle down. For starters, I have officially evacuated my room. Most of my stuff made it into the efficiency. I have made that my new residence while the house is being shown to sell. I tend to keep myself out of the house when a showing happens. Mom and Jeff have made it part of the overall contract with the house that I'd live in the efficiency until my "lease" is up, which would be in June, aka when Laura and I move to New York (more on that in a little bit). So, to recap and for clarity: Mom and Jeff have settled into their apartment in Clearwater with Nine and Jade (Laura and I have visited them since they moved, Brian and I are going next week to see Anthony Green and The Dear Hunter) , Brian lives with Yeya and Yeyo (Yeya makes him food all the time and Brian watches TV with Yeyo), and I have settled into a nice little not-quite-bachelor pad in the efficiency. I found space for all my books, my record player, and my amp. As much as I miss my room and I was feeling a creeping terror about leaving it behind, it didn't take long for me to develop an attachment to the efficiency. I'm moving through different stages. It's officially 2012, and I'm at the homestretch: New York. Laura and I move in 6 months. We're really focusing on it. I have officially entered the stage that will go by quicker than I know it. I just have to keep my head up and wrap up all my loose ends down here. Soon, I will embark on the beginning of the rest of my life. There's one more thing I wanted to mention: I've had this Livejournal since 2004. I have come a very long way from who I was then to who I am now. I've kept track and lost contact with a now nearly completely forgotten Friends List. With the exception of the casual check-in every now and again by a few, there's not much going on here. I have still kept it and updated it scarcely, but truthfully. I have been contemplating what I should do with it once I left for New York. I have all of my entries archived via software, so there's no reason not to delete it from the internet and focus more on privacy (considering the path this country is headed in). Should I start a new journal/blog? Should I remain with Livejournal or explore somewhere else? Well, I've decided: I will be abandoning this journal when I move to New York. I'm not sure if I'll straight up delete it, but I will close it off (aka put it to friends only/private). I will start a new blog to serve the same purpose of this LJ through my fast approaching adulthood, which will also be managed inbetween Facebook and the New York Blog that Laura and I write. This new journal/blog will be announced one time, and one time only, if people wish to keep up with me, but there will be no links to it on any one of my sites except maybe a solitary link here. That's still a ways away, and maybe by the time it happens you'll probably forget about it, but don't say I didn't inform you. Until next time, the little time we have left. :Peace Love Unity: You were dead by the time that I had found you - Andrew Jackson Jihad 2 Executed; Make a Martyr out of Me?

New Year's Resolutions For 2012 [02 Jan 2012|03:04pm] [ mood | determined ] Previously, in 2011: 1. Laura's made me happier than I've ever been because she's just as crazy for me as I am for her. Let's continue the craziness. Sweet and wonderful success. 2. Record and release the 2nd album for Heroes And Cons, and do our first real tour. Success on the album, failure on the tour. 3. Lose the gut. Seriously. Enough's enough. Good news: I started going to the gym. Bad news: I stopped going to the gym. Failure. 4. Move. Away. To New York. Haven't moved yet, but Laura and I are well on our way. It's a work in progress. 2011 sure was a whirlwind of year. Things kept happening. Mom moved away, Matthew moved away, the house is empty and ready to sell. My old life is going gone. 2012 is the year to move: move on, move out, move forward. I hereby submit my resolutions to: 1. Laura is my guiding light. In a time when home seems to be slipping, she keeps a place in her heart that I can always go to. What an amazing, wonderful, truly lovely human being. Things go right, things go wrong, Laura Barrera will always be my constant. I love you. 2. Continue my work with Heroes And Cons. I really want to keep this band going, even when distance becomes a chore. 3. Finally make the move to New York. It's time I made a life for myself in a place I actually want to be in. 2012 is going to be the most important year of my life so far. I need all the help and luck I can get, but I'm determined to come out on top. Bring on the new year. :Peace Love Unity: You have to fight to stay in control of this situation - Against Me! Make a Martyr out of Me?

This House Echoes In Places It Shouldn't [09 Nov 2011|12:30am] [ mood | lonely ] Well, it happened. Mom and Jeff moved to St. Petersburg. Jeff found a steady job out there and they decided to pack up for good. This past weekend, we had a garage sale and everything. One by one, things were sold or either packaged up. The reality of it all started hitting me. I was losing my home. In a rather sudden, abrupt way, it made the urgency to move to New York surge even greater than it had been. Right in the middle of the garage sale weekend, Brian abruptly packed up his things, and moved into Yeya and Yeyo's house. Just like that. This Tuesday morning, I waved bye to mom and Jeff as they drove off towards St. Petersburg. The last remaining residents of the Fernandez home are myself and the cats. Jade goes about himself as usual, but Nine has been freaking out. She knows something is up. Hell, they probably both know. Then, this morning, they're gone. These people might as well have been wiped from existence from the point of view of the cats. Nine's been wandering around the now empty, echoing house trying to find a hiding place, and all of her usual spots are gone. The only normal room, ironically, is mine. She likes to hide there now, atleast alot more than she used to. The house echoes in places it shouldn't. All of a sudden, even the smallest sounds resonate throughout the house. Doors are now deafening. I haven't turned on a television since Jeff made the mistake of getting rid of the cable (which he quickly fixed). I'm worried about what'll happen if I do. Either way, the only TV is in the efficiency which, when the house is finally rented, will eventually become my room. It's as if my past, which I have had quite the strange relationship for the past couple years, was folding itself away and that efficiency is a black hole that I'm heading right towards. It forces me into the new part of my life that I had been both fearing and preparing for. As of now though, the old house is mine. I am living by myself, with two cats. Most of the house is empty. For some reason, seeing mom's room empty gives me the creeps. Matthew's room, though devoid of him, still had his things as if he had just left. Now, it's empty. The path to this place has now been cut off forever for him. Brian's room is gone. I turn on all the lights in the house to keep a resemblance of when we lived here. I can drive into the driveway at night and it'll seem like we're all home. As soon as I walk in, I am struck again with the realization that I am the only one here. When I go to the backyard, however, looking towards the lit windows, I know I'm the only one there. Even though I'm in the suburbs, and each house surrounding mine is occupied, I'll still look up at whatever stars living in Miami allows you to have and get a sense of how significant I really am in comparison. I walk around, and start shutting off the lights and the cats shrink into the efficiency, which I left open for them, and they know it's time to sleep. What they knew of the people that used to live here has been replaced by this new experience. It's just me and them. I turn off each light, and I can hear the sound throughout the house. When we used to live here, I'd be startled by Matthew's loud voice talking on the phone in the middle of the night, or I'd hear mom and Jeff watching a movie, or Brian playing music on the laptop. Now, on the floor of my room, I listen for voices, but I hear nothing and I know I'm alone. I can put my music as loud as I want without fearing of waking someone up. I can write songs and sing as loud as I need to be and not have to worry about someone getting home and have to keep it down as to not bother anyone. Tomorrow, Heroes And Cons is going to practice in what used to be my family room. If all goes well, we'll try to have a house party/show here. Laura thought of the idea to charge and split the profits between the band fund and the NY fund. We haven't practiced since Bryan left, and after doing a photoshoot without him, we severed musical ties with him. He says he's cool with it, but I'm not sure I believe that, and I feel bad about it but I felt that it had to be done. What remains of my old life is the outer rim. My day-to-day family and house life, the central core to my existence since I was born, is now gone as of Tuesday morning. I am in my room, sitting on the floor of the single island of light in a dark house. The final shard of my old environment amidst the abyss of the empty house that used to be my home. It still is. It always will be. One day, I'll drive by this old house again and see the shell of what's left of my home. Miami will always be the place I grew up, but New York is the place I need to be and where I'm headed toward. At first, it seemed as though my familiar life was fading from me and I was clawing from it while adulthood steadily approached. Then, after I decided to move to New York and work for it, I set out to face my impending adulthood head on, on my own terms before my familiarity disappears and my longing for it keeps me here. Now however, my past is gaining on me. I once ran towards my rapidly fading familiar life in the hopes of retaining it, and now I was running away from it before it caught up. Everything has happened so fast and suddenly that I feel now everything else will happen in the blink of an eye. Maybe it's the shock, but I feel as though I've hit another plateau in the chain of events for now, but before you know it, my life could change abruptly once again. Hopefully by the time that happens, I'll be the one doing the changing. As for now, it's just me, in this house, with these two cats. I'll see Brian, he'll still be my brother, but we no longer share that bond everyday. Now, I will still fall asleep soundly, but it'll feel different, and the morning will feel different. I'll set about what's left of my everyday life, but I'll return back to the edge of what it used to be at the end of the day. The future used to pull me toward it and I was holding on for dear life. Now, I'm running towards it because the path behind me is crumbling. :Peace Love Unity: Way to go, way to go, forgot you've got so far to go - Alkaline Trio Make a Martyr out of Me?

Scott Pilgrim: A Personal Analysis [28 Oct 2011|05:49pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] Have you ever felt nostalgia for something fictional? It's no secret that I'm a fan of Scott Pilgrim, and whether or not I may have overexposed or ruined the series for any of my friends wouldn't be surprising. I loved the movie, and loved the comic even more. The reason I love it so much is because of how relatable it is. Every single character in the series can be matched to a real world counterpart. It's also pretty funny. What I realized the multiple times I read it was that it was relevant to me on a deeper level. I had gotten into the series at a confusing and trying point in my life. I was in the process of getting over a long term relationship, in the middle of another one, enjoying being in a band, and enveloping myself in a whole new group of friends. Scott Pilgrim is the everyman, in this case, me. Stacy, his younger sister who serves as a reference of maturity for Scott despite her age, echoes the long standing desire of mine for a younger sister I can count on. I was raised with two brothers and while I never experienced the other way things could've gone, I always kind of wanted that kind of bond. I joke around that Lis is my sister because of how close we are (which we aren't really, if you think about it), but also out of the sense that I never got to experience that so I want to make up for it. Wallace, Scott's roommate and easily one of the best characters in the series is almost like the representation of that constant same sex best friend that I never really felt I had. Yeah, I had Chris since we were little, but we've always lived apart from each other. It would be a huge event when I would go visit him, but after the visit is over and I got back to Miami, it was over. I've always shifted from one group of friends to the other (usually revolving around whoever I was dating at the time). I've always wanted a set group of friends. Static and constant, made up of both guys and girls. The closest thing that I had to that was my coworkers at Hot Topic, so that should go to show why the ones I still (try to) maintain contact with mean so much to me. I guess that can be represented by Scott's overall group of friends that serve as a support system, not just for him on a personal level but for the series itself. Sex Bomb-Omb band comparisons aside, my band has now become my best friends, yet somehow it's a different feeling. I tend to view the universe surrounding Scott's friends the same way I view other big groups of friends I am a part time member of, but still feel like an outsider. Michael, Pat, Jorge, Gabe, Gaby, Pao and Milena are the group that I feel most represent that. Knives and Kim, two of Scott's ex girlfriends in the series hit really close to home since they remind me of people I grew close to and ended up hurting but still remain connected. There was a point where I only thought of myself. I only saw things my way. I was abandoned from a relationship and just when I thought I was ready to open myself up, I jumped into another one while embers were still burning. Angelique was someone totally different and she was what I needed. She was playful and childish but she also kicked my ass into reality while taking care of me. When I broke up with her, it hurt me so much because I felt as if I had let someone down. My past had ruined my present and I was determined to not let it happen. That's why I fought so hard to keep Jell in my life. While she wasn't in love with me, I did feel at the time like I hurt her in a way like Scott hurt Knives and Kim (even though she wasn't obsessed with me). I suppose Kim (and to some degree, Stacy as well) could represent Cristie and Gaby, two of my closest opposite sex friends (one of them being an ex) who have helped me see many things through. Through all of that, there's also the fact that I saw things not through rose-colored glasses but shaded all the same. Whereas Scott had a negative version of himself seperated but ever present, I had a relationship with my past like a drug. My hurt fueled me to the point of numbness where I could go and pretend I was happy so much that I started to believe it. In time, levels reached so high that it bordered on arrogance. I was "cool", to my friends and environment. Nothing to touch me, even though I was constantly surrounded by a shadow of regret, distance, and hurt. Hanging over everything is Envy, aka Natalie, which is Scott's big ex. It doesn't take a genius to see the comparison between her and Alex. Even when I was dating and in other relationships, the spectre of how traumatizing the end of that relationship was hung over my life. I had no closure, no answers, and it was the main thing holding me back. The difference is that eventually Scott gets pretty close to complete and total closure. I let go what I could, and though I am heading towards my future at steady speeds, I'm not sure it can ever be complete for me. I'm learning to live with what I've been given and what I've taken for myself. Then of course, we come to Ramona Flowers, Scott's "manic pixie dream girl", which is to say she's the perfect girl that I have sought after: mystical, beautiful, sarcastic, fun, funny. Somebody once told me that Alex looked like Ramona and it nearly killed me. How could that be? Ramona was a dream girl, flawless, perfect. Alex certainly proved herself far from that. But then I started reading more. Little by little, the illusion gave way to a hidden past and crippling flaws. Does Ramona represent Alex? I wouldn't go that far. More rather, I'd say Ramona, being the dream girl she is, symbolizes a dual representation. She is the sought after, perfect girl that I've always wanted and thought that if I didn't find it, I could create it, and she is also the full and final proof that no such girl exists. Dream girls are just that: dreams. You can't put your full faith in a person to be what you want and need to make your life function properly. You must do it yourself. There is nothing to find, only to create for yourself, in yourself. Alex had some dark secrets of her own that she needed to overcome. Ramona is not perfect, and she serves the example that nobody is. Even the dream girl has demons. Where does that leave me? Of course, Ramona and Scott, through everything, have a happy ending, and Scott is able to reconcile with his past while at the same time let go of it. That's the ultimate struggle with me, the hooks in my side that are holding me back. I am caught between struggling to hold on to a famliar environment that is steadily letting go of me and moving forward with Laura and New York and letting go of my past before my past beats me to it. Laura doesn't have a Scott Pilgrim counterpart (Actually, as a once unrequited love interest, one can argue a connection with Lisa Hillier, but I don't think there's enough similarity other than that) and I think that's a good thing. Laura (while being everything I'd look for in a person) isn't a manic pixie dream girl. She isn't mysterious or mystical, and while I think she's beautiful, she isn't the object of everyone's affection. She is something much more important: she's real. You don't need to look for an ideal to be in love because ideals don't fall in love with you. Laura is proof that what I was looking for isn't what I needed, and furthermore, it isn't really what I wanted either. Not only do I want someone to love me for who I am, want to love someone for who they are and not for who I want them to be. Because of that, Laura is exactly who I want her to be: herself. Did I mention that Scott Pilgrim's also pretty funny? Because it is. :Peace Love Unity: Well, I wrote your name and burned it to see the color of the flame, and it burned out the whole spectrum, as if you were everything - Brand New 2 Executed; Make a Martyr out of Me?

September's Quotes ('11) [12 Oct 2011|09:51am] [ mood | sad ] The Michael Jordan of drunk driving played his final game tonight, unburdened by his loneliness, he wanted to feel alive, his laziness built the pyramids and his solitude was a knife, the Michael Jordan of drunk driving played his final game tonight - Andrew Jackson Jihad Hey. It's been a while. More than a month actually. Once again, I'm reminded why Livejournal has become a dead format. So why do I keep it? Memories? I can just as easily download a program that archives my entries onto my computer. Routine? I barely check this thing anymore? For the sake of my friends on LJ? Yanette and Melissa were the last two and they've pretty much abandoned it, which is fine. I have Facebook for them, and for everyone else. The only updates I receive on here are from a member of The Umbrella Academy LJ community, and Catherynne M. Valente's crossposts from her blog. I've decided that soon, I will close up shop on this Livejournal for good. I'm flirting around with the idea of starting a new one for when I move to New York, but would I really keep it? I don't know. Laura says blogs (particularly our NY blog which we started but haven't done anything with) keep us accountable for our records. That'd be true, but it depends on the reliability of the user. In the month that's passed by since I've updated, I've been to 4 concerts, to Disney World, continued to record an album, and have maintained a wonderful relationship with a beautiful girl with whom I will soon embark on my life's greatest adventure. All the while, I've been unemployed, but interviewing. I'm a day away from being 23 years old. I've been sober, for better or for worse. I miss it, I won't lie to you. I look forward to the day when I can once again sit in my backyard, smoke, watch the sky and stars, and listen to music in a whole new wonderful way. In order to do that however, I have to set my shit straight now. When I go to New York with Laura, those days will be long gone and give way to what I've wanted as long as I can remember: a place I want to be and a life I want to live. I'll be living for myself, and for Laura, and for the existence of my own self-governed life. Mom accepted a job in St. Petersburg since she was surplused from Sunset Park and refuses to work in a shit school down in Homestead. Matthew's in California, defying all of the family's expectations. Brian will soon be displaced from the home he's always known. So will I, but atleast I have a place to go. Mom has decided to jump ship completely with Jeff. I don't blame them. I just think it's selfish to not think of your children until the confirmation is complete and it's too late. I told Mom and Jeff that Brian will not be going with them, that he'd prefer the uncertainty of house-hopping between friends and lesser relatives if it means staying here than starting over for the sake of their new life and dream. If Mom wants to start over because she's freaking out over her age, fine. Just don't expect to take your sons with you. We're all "adult" age. We're getting to the point of branching out and seeking what we want to do with our lives. It's going to hit my Mom really hard when she realizes that the freedom she seeks in this newly married life at almost fifty and the abandonment of her familiar surroundings for a new life will also come with a crushing empty nest period. I used to think my Mom had a grasp at things I never had, a sense of maturity and reality that I would someday attain when I grow up. Then I grew up. I found out she's just as scared as I am. I feel bad, and sad for her, for me, and for everyone. We're all just fighting to be happy where we want to be. It just so happens that where we want to be isn't where we are. :Peace Love Unity: Wish I can waste my time without wasting all your time - Alkaline Trio 1 Executed; Make a Martyr out of Me?

August's Quotes '11 [06 Sep 2011|01:20pm] [ mood | nervous ] I'll be your number one with a bullet, a loaded God complex, cock it and pull it - Fall Out Boy I died on Good Friday from swimming in smoke, it was worth it - Tigers On Trains If it looks like a snake, and it moves like a snake, if it writes like a snake, then all the world knows it's a snake - Gallows I came across some old pictures the other day. It feels like a whole lifetime's passed. Some of my friends might think it's a bad idea, but I feel like this is something I gotta do. I don't feel that I can move forward into the life I want while having so many things tying me backward. I have some unfinished business to take care of, and pretty soon I'm going to take care of it. I'm not doing this for anybody else but myself. :Peace Love Unity: The Michael Jordan of drunk driving played his final game tonight, unburdened by his loneliness, he wanted to feel alive, his laziness built the pyramids and his solitude was a knife, the Michael Jordan of drunk driving played his final game tonight - Andrew Jackson Jihad Make a Martyr out of Me?

A Psychological Study [31 Aug 2011|05:37pm] [ mood | distressed ] Subject Name: Adam Fernandez Subject Age: 22 years, 9 months Personality Assessment: The present personality testing and clinical interview data indicate that Adam is a somewhat insecure person who is very needy of support and reassurance. His self-esteem is vulnerable to school-related concerns. Adam feels unduly frustrated with his inability to pass his Math requirements. This renders him hypersensitive to failure and rejection and results in undue tension and agitation. Adam becomes anxious when facing a challenging academic task like Math. He worries excessively at times. Adam also exhibits undue distractibility and inattentiveness. These symptoms are more prevalent in the auditory modality and can represent obstacles to academic adjustment. Adam is motivated to succeed academically and professionally. He is willing to set goals and to work in order to realize them. The prospect of being unable to reach his objectives generates much apprehension. The presence of the aforementioned symptoms is significantly related to this client's efforts at maintaining/seeking employment. Several impediments are present that span multiple areas of functioning. Specifically, Adam could perform poorly in a job interview, misinterpret others' intentions and feel excess pressure and be overwhelmed under stress. He may also have difficulty staying on task and need additional time to master/complete tasks. ...well, shit. :Peace Love Unity: If it looks like a snake, and it moves like a snake, if it writes like a snake, then all the world knows it's a snake - Gallows Make a Martyr out of Me?

Life, as a vessel. [16 Aug 2011|12:43pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Yeyo Marcelino (my dad's dad) died this morning at 2:00am. So it goes. I didn't find out until around noon when Brian told me. Over the years, we've drifted away from my father's side of the family, of which only Marcelino and my aunt Josie (The General) remain, unless you count my cousins, Andrew and Kathryn, of which my father's blood also runs through them, technically. I don't know how I feel. I called Josie and she says she was with him when he died and that he died peacefully. It got me thinking about things. Life is very much like a vessel, constructed of people and places. Overtime, pieces of it fall and break away, and new pieces are put in. I will no longer go to my grandfather's house in Hialeah with a bag of churros we got from a street vendor (the BEST kind of churro) and eat ice cream in the afternoon when the truck came by and see my old dalmation Lumber and smell that weird smell I could never quite put my finger on. Granted, I haven't been to his house in close to 10 years, but now I never will. That piece has broken off. Life is like a vessel that moves through an ocean of experiences as the pieces fall off and sink. By the time we reach where we're going, there won't be much left. The only thing we have in common is that we all make the same journey, in the same direction. So it goes. :Peace Love Unity: I died on Good Friday from swimming in smoke, it was worth it - Tigers On Trains Make a Martyr out of Me?

July's Quotes '11 [10 Aug 2011|01:40pm] [ mood | bored ] Is this a blessing or is this a cruse? - The Chariot When I finally lose my voice, I will hang myself with microphone wires - I'm Not Holden Caulfield Laura's in Nicaragua. I'm still unemployed. The band's not doing anything. I'm bored out of my fucking mind day in, day out. I just want to move already. :Peace Love Unity: I'll be your number one with a bullet, a loaded God complex, cock it and pull it - Fall Out Boy Make a Martyr out of Me?

Music As Therapy [24 Jul 2011|09:53pm] [ mood | indescribable ] It's no secret that I'm a bit of an elitist when it comes to music. An indie snob, if you will. I've always been against major labels and for artists who stake a claim for themselves and do what they love without succumbing to the money factor. Alot of people start bands and write songs because it's what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I'm not knocking anyone's attempt to make money, especially making money doing what they love. I, however, have always seen myself who would turn down a major record deal on the stubborn principle that major labels = bad. I raised myself on punk rock and indie music, among other things, that emphasized a certain DIY aesthetic and mentality. Everyone who's ever seen me perform either as I'm Not Holden Caulfield or with Heroes And Cons has complimented me on how great it's been. One question I often get from people is "Why don't you submit a demo here?" or "Did you get paid for playing"? and other things. People think that because of my great passion for music, that it must obviously be my career choice. Of course. Why wouldn't I want to make a living doing what I love? I would never have to work a day in my life. Why am I so stubborn when it comes to the money factor in music? At the risk of sounding arrogant, I LOVE the music I make. I think I'm a pretty damn good lyricist and a pretty capable musician. Why aren't I milking this for all it's worth? I have talent and I love it. No one, not my family, not my friends, not my girlfriend, not even my own band understands why I have such a conviction towards music but I won't pursue it like all the other bands I look up to and love. The reason, once and for all stated here, is because I don't want to do it. I don't have a stubborn attitude because I want to be a starving artist. I don't reject the radio and conventional wisdom because I think it's "punk as fuck" or totally fucking hip. Music has got me through the worst parts of life. It has become the integral part of me. It's my love, my life, my everything. Music has healed me in a way that drugs, love, and therapy cannot. I write songs and sing and perform because if I didn't, I'd feel dead. I would be dead. I have all these bad things growing inside me, like my head is constantly submerged in a pool of my own discontent and the only way I can take a breath is through my music. I've said numerous times with the same conviction that I'm going to keep making music whether I sell 1 record or a million. The reason I'm going to keep doing it is because I can't do anything else to keep me staying afloat. No matter how many people I have surrounding me with their love and affection, I always feel like I'm alone, or standing in the middle of a crowded room while everyone pre-occupies themselves. It's more than the remnants of teenage angst. I don't feel like anyone really understands or will ever understand because nobody really knows me, but that's because people aren't looking hard enough. If anyone ever wanted to know my deepest, darkest thoughts, feelings, confessionals, they wouldn't have to look any further than the lyrics I write. That is a barrier that can only be breached that way. You can know me my entire life, see me everyday, read my like a fucking book, and you still won't know me as well as someone who really pays attention to the music I write. In the end though, it doesn't matter if anyone really listens. The most important person I write music for is me. I don't play shows with the band so I can make the barflies and fans and other bands have a good time. I do it because when I'm on that stage, I'm at my most vulnerable. Nobody fucking gets it. Playing shows isn't about the people listening, it's about the people playing. I don't give a shit whether anyone likes it or not. It only matters to me whether I am satisfied with it because ultimately they are my songs, coming out of my mouth and being written by my own hand so that bad things have a way to get out of my own head. Would I like to make money off of music? Of course. Do I want people to like the music I write? Absolutely. Is that the reason I do what I do? No, and it never will be. Not now, not ever. I don't write music to make a living, I do it to keep on living. So stop fucking asking. :Peace Love Unity: When I finally lose my voice, I will hang myself with microphone wires - I'm Not Holden Caulfield Make a Martyr out of Me?

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